


This Is Me Trying

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Series: Shadowhunters Re-Watch Fics! Codas, Scene Fills, etc. [6]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode: s01e06 Of Men And Angels, Family Feels, Family Issues, Gen, Introspection, POV Isabelle Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:39:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29403507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: When Isabelle tries to step in and take some of the responsibility from Alec only to be shot down by both of her parents, she knows that some things are going to have to change in order for her to be taken seriously.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Isabelle Lightwood & Maryse Lightwood, Isabelle Lightwood & Robert Lightwood
Series: Shadowhunters Re-Watch Fics! Codas, Scene Fills, etc. [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2108703
Kudos: 21





	This Is Me Trying

Isabelle looks at the dress on the hanger in front of her, one she hasn’t even thought about in years. She looks at the heels she dug out of the back of her closet and sat to the side of the door, and to the makeup and hair products spread out in front of her mirror. Her stomach twists uncomfortably, her chest feeling tight, every bit of her body and soul rebelling against what she knows she has to do. She wonders briefly if this is how Alec feels all of the time, and that only serves to make her feel worse.

She pushes past the dread and walks away from the clothing, for now, focusing first on a fire message to Meliorn cutting off their… whatever it was they had. Arrangement? Relationship? Possibly even their friendship, because she did consider him a friend. She still does, though she doubts he’ll feel the same now.

The fire message burns away in her hand and she watches the last pieces of it turn from fire to ash before fading away entirely. Sending the letter feels symbolic in an unsettling way that she tries not to think about too hard as she stands up from her desk to finish getting ready.

_“You can’t possibly attract the caliber of husband who can help us restore the honor to our family name.”_

Her mother’s words echo in Isabelle’s head as she slips into the blue dress, repeating over and over. It’s all she can think about, even with the tension building between Jace and Alec the past few days, even with all of the chaos and adventure and drama Clary Fairchild’s brought into their lives, and meeting Simon, the joy of seeing her brother and father back from Idris… all of that is drowned out by a single sentence.

A single sentence Maryse doesn’t even realize the impact of, because for her it isn’t a matter of emotions. It’s simply a fact to be acknowledged. Did she even stop to think that, at that moment, she was solidifying everything Izzy ever feared about herself? That her greatest asset in dealing with the Downworlders is also her greatest downfall as a Shadowhunter? Alec’s always so quick to point out that everything he does is a sacrifice for their family, and he’s right, of course, he sacrifices more than any of them. But she sacrifices, too. She _tries_. And it isn’t her fault that the tactics and training she puts to use time and time again isn’t taken seriously.

...or is it?

_“The honor comes from the deed. It’s not a simple proposition to restore it. It’s gonna require a tremendous sacrifice.”_

Her father says he doesn’t judge her. The fact that he needs to say it only emphasizes that the assumption should be that he _does_ judge her, and so does everyone else. She’s always known that they do, but the confirmation stings. She’s the first they come to when they need help or information from the Seelies, from _any_ Downworlder, but if they do it while looking down on her for the way she dresses or the people she associates with then those are things she can change. Those are _sacrifices_ she can make, she simply chooses not to because she doesn’t want to. Because she has the luxury of not being forced to.

Unlike Alec. For every responsibility Izzy doesn’t have to bear, Alec does. It never seemed like a big deal before. After all, he’s good at being in charge and she’s always felt nothing but pride at watching him run the Institute while their parents are away. But Alec being asked - no, being _forced_ \- to marry? It’s too much. She can’t let that happen. She won’t.

Isabelle surveys herself in the mirror once she’s done getting ready. Neutral eye makeup. Strong red lips. A single, simple chain around her neck. She debates even that much but keeps it in the end before she pulls her hair back into a severe ponytail. The dress goes down past her knees, and despite being form-fitting is the least revealing one she owns, so it’ll have to do. Her heels are short and practical. She looks…

Objectively, Isabelle knows she looks good. But she doesn’t look like herself. It’s her, her eyes staring back at her and her runes and scars showing on the exposed skin of her arms, but it isn’t _her_. She feels like a shadow of herself, an actor in a costume as she looks into the mirror and sees more of Maryse looking back at her than of herself.

Which is the whole point. If she wants to help restore the honor of their family name she needs to make sacrifices. She needs to do this - she _wants_ to do this - to help Alec. Because Alec’s been sacrificing his true self to play a role for years now, and if she wants to stand any chance of being allowed to step in and take some of that burden from him then she has to be able to do the same.

She just hopes it isn’t too little, too late.

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell)! <3 )


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